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“Each happy ending’s a brand new beginning. Let yourself be enchanted, you just might breakthrough. To ever, ever after.”

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Happiest Hellos Lovelies! I hope you’re all having a wonderful week and staying cool in this heat. Well, it’s a bit cloudy at the moment, but still pretty warm. I for one am not enjoying the summer heat one bit. I always say when it’s cold, you can wear more, but when it’s hot outside, even if you’re naked, you’ll still be pretty damn hot. So your gal is most definitely a fall, winter, and early spring person. Love all things related to those seasons, and of course Halloween, scary movies and sweater weather, and the warmth and joy the holidays bring (that’s if there’s no stress, anxiety, silent breakdowns, drama, and everything in between that makes life well… beautifully messy). But, more on that later and enough about the weather and small talk. Let’s get into this juicy, emotional, raw, but still full of love, laughter, happiness, and healing bear it all or nothing catch up with my life post.

It has been so incredibly long since I last blogged, read, reviewed, and written anything. My last post/life update went over what happened during the middle of Covid and when things started to go back to normal again. Work is still the same. I go into the office 3 days a week and work from home Mondays and Fridays so it feels like I always have a 4 day weekend since WFH is quite chill. I can’t say much about work other than, it is what it is. We (office employees) did get to go on all paid work retreat/vacation in Israel for a week. That was a great experience and traveling with coworkers was actually really fun. The best part is definitely the food! I’m not going to go into detail about that trip. Maybe on another post in the future.

Our super adorbs niece was born 2 months later after my last post and she is now 14 months old. She is the cutest and happiest baby ever and I love her oh so much. Whether I have my own children or not, Cring Cring will always be a special bundle of joy in my life.

Bb and I went to Disney a lot and now added Universal Studios to our annual passes. Haven’t done a Solo Disney day at all with the new pass, but I scheduled one in August.

As a new couple tradition, we went to get tattoos on Friday the 13^th. I got two more and this time we went with Ate Tin who was visiting with cutie Baby Brie from Australia.

I also became a Godmother to my best friend, my twin, my soulmate sister’s daughter, Sophia Charlotte.

And, also a Godmother to our niece, Celestine Rae

But, the biggest change is I am now Mrs. Karen Jo C. Espanta. Bb and I tied the knot back in February this year during our Civil Ceremony with our families. Preparing for that day was a challenge and very stressful week or two, but more on that on another post. I’m still finalizing things for our Wedding Reception this September when we get to say “I Do” again, but this time with extended families and all our friends.

Finally, finally, and finally… this happened. Got my license.

Hubby and I went on our Cruise Honeymoon in April. My belly was full and I was happy… but you know when life gives you something to smile about and be grateful for, it also reveals things that could hurt you. Whether intentional or not. And, part of that vacation, I was quite sad. But, that’s just how life is. You push through those hard times, those hurtful and sad moments, those moments that bring you down and even cripple your mental health so that you can truly, really, and genuinely appreciate the good times, the random laughter you share with someone you love, unexpectedly meeting someone who compliments you, the quiet times you spend with yourself to recharge, the small things that mean the world to you, the simple moments such as a hug, a hand squeeze, a surprise visit, a stolen kiss.. the many moments you wait for that makes life worth it. These moments will forever be engraved in my heart and will always be grateful for them. And even though I was sad and bothered towards the end of the vacation, I am eternally grateful for the experience…to share the happy, crazy, drunken, exhilarating, sexy, and delicious (food of course) moments with my hubby.

Oh how can I forget, I also turned 36 this year. Being in my 30’s is just so different from what younger me envisioned adult life would be like at this age. But, with each year that I get older, I always learn something new. It’s always a learning experience and a healing process for me. Sometimes you learn things about yourself and sometimes you learn things about others and how they choose to treat you. Whatever it is, I know that people do change, whether it’s for the better or not. There are people that are just meant to stay in your lives forever and those are the kind of people that no matter what happens, you always feel at home with them, you can be honest with them without fear of judgment or fear of losing them, and you grow with them along the way with compassion, patience, and understanding. They choose to stay in your life because they want to because all relationships whether it’s romantic or platonic, needs to be nurtured by both sides with honesty, trust, and vulnerability. It takes courage to take accountability for actions and words that causes pain even if it isn’t intentional. Sadly, there are people who will come and go and you just have to accept that if they choose to leave, you should let them go. Because with their sudden or even expected absence, there will come endless possibilities to meet new people and nurture new relationships. Relationships where you matter, you’re appreciated, and loved in the ways you give it. Their absence will open up space in your life for better people to come along. Better human beings that will bring more happiness, joy, love, loyalty, kindness and peace in your life. Because life is already messy, twisty, and challenging as it is. You need people who cheer you on, people who are proud of you, people who may not agree with what you think, your opinions, your advice, and or even your choices, but are still there for you because they genuinely want to be there and choose to be there. And that is another thing I’ve learned. Wanting to do something… wanting to change.. wanting to be a better person.. wanting to show up and be there.. is different from actually choosing and doing those actions. People can say what they want or what they intend to do, express their wishes about what they hope to happen, but choosing to do those very same things unquestionably takes precedence over empty words and promises. Because words alone are insufficient… you need to act on what you say. And you should never settle for meaningless promises or just never settle for less… in anything.. as much as possible.  Not in relationships and not even in friendships. If people don’t want to be in your life for whatever reason they may have, have RESPECT, but not for them, for YOURSELF.

Love yourself ENOUGH to say that it’s okay to move on and let go. If they choose to leave, honor their decision and choose to also move on because those who really matter, will always choose to communicate with you no matter how difficult the conversation can be, they will confront you rather than be passive agressive, they will choose to repair the relationship simply because you matter, and they will be understanding of your feelings rather than be dismissive about it. Sometimes, you just want them to acknowledge you and how you feel just as you try to be for them. Don’t settle for friendships or relationships that are juvenile… those that are always take and take and take. YOU deserve better. I DESERVE BETTER.

I have spent years putting others before me and my happiness… to always being at everyone beck and call… to adjusting to people’s temper, personalities, problems, and expectations in an attempt to be inclusive and make sure everyone feels cared for, loved, understood, and important because that is how I would want to be treated. I’ve been people pleasing for as long as I can remember and doing things above and beyond for the people that I value as integral part of my life because gifts and giving is my love language… it’s always been.. and always will be. And if there is something I can do, even if I’m the one that must work around certain things just to accommodate someone’s feelings, someone’s schedule, someone’s whatever, to show compassion and understanding to someone else’s pain, grief, or struggles, to swallow my own side of the story and give way, to struggle whether it be emotionally or mentally… I will keep my own issues to myself for the time being and find the strenght to be there for everyone else…I will break through walls, break myself, to be there for you… because I give it all my best when someone needs me. When someone needs me to be the responsible one, to be the supportive one, to be the understanding one, to be the one who shoulders it all because no one else can and would…. And that is how I know in my heart I deserve BETTER… I always have… I’m just too stubborn to accept it sometimes because I care too much, love too hard, and forgive easily.

I have always tried to be the better person in many situations to the extent of my abilities. I’ve been giving it all… some to the people who truly care and love me (and for those people, thank you), to a few that may just reciprocate, and some that just take and take. And this year, I’ve learned to slowly (very slowly) build my boundaries and create walls to protect myself from unnecessary disappoints and sadness. It’s not always an easy process. I’m innately a martyr and would try to take on people’s sufferings and problems and try to fix or be there for them. To save them because my empathic side always get the better of me. To be the middle person, the go to person, the person that tries to make everyone happy at the expense of my own, the person everyone can rely on because I know how it feels to be alone against the world. I know the burden and the weight that comes crushing you when there’s no one else that seems to understand you or want to be there for you because they have their own problems. And that’s when I forget to be there for myself. What I really need is to be there for ME and show up for MYSELF more. To say NO.. NO MORE and not feel guilty that I may have let people down or feel guilty that I couldn’t be there for them when they needed. I couldn’t be the one to save them. I need to be there for ME and to save ME.

Whew.. did that make you feel… just feel something… anything? I hope it did and if you took the time to read all the way here.. thank you. If someone out there is going through something similar or is kind of like me, just know that you are not alone, and it is perfectly okay to sometimes or even really always choose YOU. You need to establish boundaries for yourself and it’s okay to have needs and even be a little selfish once in a while. My life for the better half.. or more than half I would say is without a doubt rainbows and sunshine. I laugh more than I did the other years. I feel more free expressing my needs and wants. I love the life I have now. I am at my happiest and most free to be ME doing most of the things that I love. But that doesn’t mean I’m unaffected by my surroundings or when life decides to dump a heavy load of uncertainties, problems, and drama. It doesn’t mean that I don’t get sad or depressed. It doesn’t mean I don’t have anymore anxiety, fears, or insecurities. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t get frustrated, upset, hurt, and angry. I am a better version of ME, but also very very human – with flaws and complications and mistakes. And, I certainly make plenty of mistakes every single day. Sometimes, I’m already in a bad mood, going through something and trying to compartmentalize just so I can go about my day – working and being there for people. When it gets too much and I can’t contain anymore, I know I let my emotions and pain get the better of me. I let them crash on me and spill to other things… to conversations that could have been handled in a more gentle and compassionate way, to my reactions, my lack of attention, and even me shutting down sometimes.

You never really know what someone is going through. Behind the happy photographs could be something darker… sadder… I’m still learning and putting into practice to choose my words and actions carefully. You never know when something you say or do could make or break someone else. Honestly, I’m not the best at times when I’m hurt or angry or upset. I’ve said words that have hurt others whether intentional or not… but I always try to take accountability and apologize for my mistakes because that is the only thing I can do and the only thing that will help me move forward.

The last few months of this year, I want to choose ME more and not feel guilty about it. To continue to let go.. letting go of things that no longer benefits me. Letting go of some insecurities that came back or keeps coming back. Letting go of situations and relationships that hinder my personal growth. It’s been over a year since my last post and I don’t know..I guess I just didn’t have the energy, the mental capacity, and the emotional strength and vulnerability to write and express myself because writing is a very affecting experience for me. It’s therapeutic, but having to feel certain waves of emotions as I write… that is always a difficult process and it isn’t until I’ve reached the end that I find myself breathing more easily. Or maybe just didn’t really the time since I’ve been so busy in general… Sorry I digress…

Anyway, In my last life update post, I ended it with “Life is still pretty messy sometimes, but I wouldn’t change anything because it brought me to where I am now. Not quite whole, but also not broken into pieces anymore. Will I ever be whole… maybe not completely, but I’m learning to be okay with that because there is beauty in just being who you are with your quirks and flaws and everything that makes you YOU. Cause people who really SEE who YOU are, they’re the one who choose to stay and make your life beautiful and worth living.” That is still mostly true, but let me just change/add some things…

Life is a gift that should not be taken for granted because our time here with the people we love doing the things that make us happy is not guaranteed. We are given this thing called LIFE with very limited TIME and what a shame it would be if we dwell on the past or what caused us pain… What a shame it would be to not forgive and let anger and hatred fester and poison your heart… What a shame it would be to keep sacrificing your own happiness for others who won’t even do the same for you…What a shame it would be to let other people’s expectations of you affect the way you live your life? What a shame it would be to never really be true to yourself because you feel obligated to follow a certain path bestowed upon you? You choose to do things to appease other people in your life because you’re worried about what other people will say about you, your choices, your lifestyle. You only live this life ONCE… make sure you’re living it the way you want. Not the way your parents want or expect of you. It’s your life. And it’s perfectly okay to be different. It’s okay to deviate from the norm… cause what is even the norm today? It’s okay to be different from your culture and want different things. It’s okay to not follow tradition just as much as it’s okay to follow them because you’re doing it for yourself.  Whatever you choose, choose for YOU. Choose because it’s truly the way you want your life to be… you are after all the one living it. You need to choose your own way, grow your own way, make mistakes your own way, and be the best YOU in your own way. A little guidance helps, but in the end if someone cares and loves you, all they can really do is give you advice, support you, respect your decisions whether they agree or not, and let you grow. Oh and HONESTY goes a long way. Not just being honest to people, but also just living an honest life through and through… whatever that means for YOU.

Because life… it is wonderful and full of surprises, magical and mystical, beautiful and extraordinary…. it’s filled with endless possibilities and neverending paths that lead to even more amazing experiences and dreams come true, and life is love… So be brave, live it the way you want surrounded by all the people who choose to stay.

Sincerely,

Karen Jo Espanta